Words and Pictures

Words and pictures. Words and pictures.

Mere scratches of the pen, a mere click of the lens.

He never told me they would be this hard.

He certainly never told me how much it would hurt to stand so far away and want to be so close.

He never told me the ache that would fill my soul as the distance between so close and far away remained.

The words remain on the tip of my tongue - so much to say, not enough time to say it.

So much courses through my mind when the distance is long and large and doesn’t promise that it will grow smaller.

Of course, these things happen.

Of course, I never charted it to in my funny, little, overactive mind.

Of course, there is more than this.

Of course.

I know that.

But it still hurts, all the same.

I still cry just as much.

My head still aches when distance is evident.

My heart still hurts, as the ache turns to salt in my lids.

My lip still trembles as I try to hold that ache-y saltiness back.

My knees still shake as I try to hold myself up.

Words and pictures. Words and pictures.

Mere scratches of the pen, a mere click of the lens.

They sure do hurt when used a certain way.

-

Fire, ice, ache, hurt, tears.

They’re nothing to me, my love.

I created and I control them.

I look at the darkness, I see it next to you.

A certain darkness is needed to see the light.

But, look!

Up!

Here I am, my darling.

I am here.

Yes, that’s it.

Sit upon my lap. My chest is strong for you to lean against, my ears are ready to hear, my hands are ready to fix.

Show me your hurt, daughter.

I am here, my darling.

Don’t try to lift yourself up - it’ll never work. The arms you use for hoisting are easily wearied and hard to strengthen unless they are strengthened through me.

I know because I made them.

Fearfully and wonderfully, I breathed life into your being.

I will carry you, strengthen you, and sustain your feeble frame.

Don’t try to stop the tears - they’re beautiful, and I’ve counted them all.

You feel alone, but you are not.

From where I stand, from what I see, you are surrounded by the heavenly courts, for you are mine.

My protected, my own.

I have made you.

I will carry you.

I will fight for you.

I love you.

You need only be still.

Seeing sunshine in the rain.

“Are you ever sad? It seems like you are always smiling, always laughing.”

 

I’m human. Of course I get sad. I get a bad grade on my geometry test, I may not look sad on the outside, I may give my shoulder a shrug, smile, and say “I just can’t think this way!” jokingly to the boys that sit next to me. They’ll laugh. But that number in the top hand corner sure does make my face fall a little, it sure does dull the sparkle in my eye, and it certainly does make me feel inferior.

Sometimes, I stub my toe. Here I am, sauntering down the hallway, when out of nowhere a chest pops up and into that mahogany does my toe go. Not only do I feel the need to scream out every colorful word I know, I also gallop around the room, clutching the ache and maybe just maybe a little salt will creep out of my lids.

Sometimes, days don’t go the way I would’ve liked them to. The things I'd thought up in my head don't go the way they "should've", heartaches are felt, disappointments are in abundance.

Sometimes, I remember times of old. Times of youth, times of childhood, times of laughter long gone, of faces not seen, of memories forgotten - those feelings can cause any happy child to become fallen and sad.

Sometimes, I worry. I worry so much that I have a panic attack - my digestive system shuts down, I feel like everything is falling around me, I’m drowning, I can’t get out. The fingernails dig into the skin,

“Stop worrying,” they say.

It’s not that easy.

You wanna know the secret to being happy? The secret to always smiling, always laughing even when toes are stubbed, love doesn’t work, memories are forgotten?

The Lord’s face shining upon you, granting you peace like a river.

Making your soul well.

Covering your bad days with good feelings.

He says that he gives strength to the weary.

You know what? It takes strength to smile when you’re down. But he gives it anyways. Maybe so people can see that having a Lord whom I can call ‘Daddy’ is enough to cause any ache to stop.

Tears aren’t bad, you know.

He holds them all, you see.

And it’s okay if your face turns as red as a tomato and your nose runs and your eyes scrunch up.

You know why?

Because, at the end of the day, you can call him daddy. You can run up to him, sit on his lap, rest your head against his chest, close your eyes tight. And in those arms, in that light, on that throne, sitting on his lap, you receive peace like a river even when sorrows like sea billows role.

He has taught me to say that in the midst of the bad days, it is well with my soul.

So, I smile. Because my soul is well.

Even when my physical being isn’t.

because i lust after summer 24/7

see what i mean? 

welcome to the world of summer lust.

43 days, guys. 43 days. 

we can do this.

before she could

she didn’t get to see her soccer team win their last game.
she didn’t get to see through teary eyes, him on one knee, his arm extended with his hand holding that velvet box and the ring she always imagined.
she didn’t get to see him waiting at the end of the aisle dressed in that smart tuxedo and bow tie.
she didn’t get to hold his hand as they took their first steps as a married couple.
she didn’t get to fall asleep on his shoulder as they flew to their honeymoon destination.
she didn’t get to experience the joy of looking into her baby’s eyes for the first time.
she didn’t get to hold her screaming child after the little one fell off her bike and scraped her knee.
she didn’t get to buy a house with him.
she didn’t get to pick out furniture with him.
she didn’t get to pick out the color of the house with him.
she didn’t.
she didn’t.
she didn’t.
~
she died before she could.
she took her last breath before she could.
her heart stopped before she could.
her eyes closed before she could.

::known facts.

facts found out during the course of 2 hours: 4
fact 1: taking clear pictures of small children playing on a porch with scooters and tricycles with a point and shoot is one of the hardest tasks known to man.
fact 2: i can consume a LOT of graham crackers in the course of 2 hours.
fact 3: i'm always tired when i babysit.

fact 4: i only got one picture of a human. ONE STINKING PICTURE! if that does not prove that fact 1 is correct, i don't know what else can.
ALSO, i've decided point and shoots are terrible at portraits.
amen?
amen.

:just a suggestion

The Book Thief by Markus Zusack 
Set during World War II in Germany, 
Markus Zusak’s groundbreaking new
 novel is the story of Liesel Meminger,
 a foster girl living outside of Munich. 
Liesel scratches out a meager existence
 for herself by stealing when she encounters
 something she can’t resist–books.
 With the help of her accordion-playing
 foster father, she learns to read and 
shares her stolen books with her 
neighbors during bombing raids as
well as with the Jewish man hidden
 in her basement before he is marched to Dachau.
~
Honestly, the best book i'd read in a while! it was incredibly refreshing, and easy to read. and it had a certain depth to it that many books lack. TWO THUMBS UP!

no bounds

chin up, smile.
i am strong without him.
holding back tears, clenching my fist.
i can be strong without him.
eyes straight ahead
i am strong. i will be strong.
this will make me. strong.
i can’t do it.
but you can, my child.
look to me, daughter.
i love you.
my love for you knows no bounds.
my son, was pierced for YOU
my son, drank the bitter wine for YOU
i poured my wrath upon my beloved for YOU
my love for you is stronger.
look to me, child.
for with me, you are strong.
breath deep.
make me strong, father. make me strong.

i can't believe he's going off to college in the fall :(

i love him so much.

::forever

I can feel it in my pocket. A glistening gold band with a beautiful diamond enclosed in a velvet box.

Forever can never be long enough for me to feel like I've had long enough with you
She’s standing next to me, her brilliant red hair laying in ringlets around her shoulders, her head on my shoulder, the sun setting in front of us.

Forget the world now, we won't let them see but there's one thing left to do 
My knee sinks to the ground, the grass cushioning its landing.

“Jules,” I whisper, my voice barely audible, “Theres something I’ve been meaning to ask you,” she nods, clearly aware of the question I’m about to ask her. 
Marry me today and every day?

next year

it’s kinda weird

to think

that you’ll be gone this time next

year,

off to college.

there will be a vacant space

at

our dinner table

but

I think I’ll miss you,

even though

sometimes,

you make me angry

you’re a great big brother

and i will miss your brown hair

and

brown eyes

and the way you

swaggily

walk.