The Past.

You see, you go days upon days without thinking about it.

Hour upon hour and not one second is spent pondering it's happenings.

When the name or the instance is brought up you simply shrug it off, smile, and say, “I’m totally over it.”

The tears, the wounds inflicted, the pain that was felt, the darkness that was experienced, they all feel little and so far away from where you are now.

Until the past greets you.

With a nonchalant “Hey! How are you?”

Or a slight wave.

A glance at the cafe where so much went down.

A read through of old journals.

A little prod.

A little nudge.
And suddenly everything that came along with a past circumstance comes tumbling on top of you.

The bulletproof vest that you thought you had towards this particular instance suddenly is ripped from your body and you are left with a heart that’s wound is able to be seen by the naked eye.

What you thought you had placed so far into the solidity of the dirt suddenly rises up to the surface with ease and an insanely fast pace.

Surprising, right?

Wind knocked out of you kind of surprising.

Every emotion felt towards it, all the feelings that you had of it, all the memories that came along with it flood your being and a cold sense of nostalgia creeps into your bones as you are met with a reminder of the hurt of the past.

The question that burns in my head is this: “Why?”

And the answer is this:

Because I needed the pain.

I needed to experience a certain darkness so I would be able to see the light.

That darkness caused me to go running back to the person of Jesus.

It caused my weary arms to depend upon the one who is always strong.

It allowed shade to feel like sun because I found all that I needed at the feet of the I am.

That situation was not what was best for me, and all the signs in my life that had said “Say no!” just increased my desire to say yes. Disobedience and deception clouded my mind and I was no longer traveling on the path to the one to whom angels sing.

And He saw my disobedience and deception and cut me off from the place that spurred it on.

Now, I rest.

Then, I didn’t but now I do.

“Why?”

Because I felt that pain for one reason: So I would run to the person of Jesus.

As my soul struggled with that short question of unrest, the Lord reminded me that he gave

me pain so I would know his healing. I found love in him(or rather, he helped me find love in Him) just as he planned it all along.

And there was no other way I would’ve learned the depths of who he is without it.

Thank you, Lord that pain is not felt in vain.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11