Written 2 weeks ago Wednesday.
I’m afraid.
I know, I know. I shouldn’t be. I’m sitting on the red checkered couch in the front room in Maine, looking out over the tranquil harbor that is the home to many boats, perching at the end of a long day of fishing. My feet are propped up, my face is warm from spending the whole day (well, most of it.) paddle boarding on a lake some 20 minutes away. I breakfasted at an Italian cafe this morning, picnicked at the lake for lunch, and on the agenda for this evening is live music in Bar Harbor.
Perfect, right?
Far from it.
The scenery is beautiful, the company is fantastic, but I am afraid.
For starters, I won’t be really HOME until next Friday. And even then it’s just for 3 days before I’m out of the house for a school week of driver’s ed. It’s not that I want to be on my couch doing nothing but watching White Collar all next week, but there is a certain comfort that my own abode provides and a peace that I feel in my heart when I am home.
Second, my cousin came down with the stomach bug yesterday. We were chilling at the lake and then all of a sudden a voice (my moms…) saying, “Day...She’s throwing up.”
Yes. I am afraid.
I am not surrounded by what makes me comfortable. I was thrown into a situation where my biggest irrational fear is present and thriving. I can barely eat anything despite the apparent empty stomach. I am going home in 3 days and leaving less than 48 hours later to a camp in which I will be getting, at most, 21 hours of sleep in 3 days vs. my usual 27/30 hours of sleep.
Yes the water is rippling.
Yes I am blessed to have a family who loves each other and is not separated by strained relationships and opinions.
Yes I have food on my plate.
I have so much to be thankful for and my own mind has chosen to think of the one thing that’s wrong. But to me the one thing leaks into every other part of my life - my enjoyment of it, the food on my plate, the family that loves each other…
Call it what you will, negativity, anxiety, panic - the full range of emotions is dwelling in my heart due to one small child who came down with a sickness. I am not comfortable. I am outside my comfort zone and not in a way that is nessecarily enjoyable.
And the questions are swirling in my mind in a way that plagues and takes away from my energy.
Why did she have to get sick here?
Why do I have to have such a busy schedule?
Why can’t I be an adult at youth camp and just enjoy the sermons and the people but not have to participate in the games and the...why?
Why couldn’t I have come up here Wednesday when all the sickness was gone?
Why…
Why…?
Why?
I don’t understand why. I don’t.
Why can’t things go exactly how I anticipated them to?
-
Golly day, it’s a never ending, vicious, plaguing cycle of “why’s”, angry thoughts, the desire to flee, the longing to be at least hungry.
And they all lead me to one place - I can’t do this alone.
I can’t walk through the next 3 weeks alone.
I can’t stumble through my days with no energy, digging my fingernails into my palm in a way that leaves marks because it distracts me from the swirling and the whirling of my stomach.
I can’t.
I’m too weak.
And I have been reminded every time I come to this statement of the inability to walk through this alone, that 1) my days have already been covered 2) that the strength I need can be found at the feet of the Lord 3) I don’t need to worry. Because come rain and shine, snow and sleet, sickness and health, old and young...I will not be walking alone. I will be walking or being held or being carried by the One to whom angels sing.
I may get sick, but He will still be my Lord.
I may get stressed, but He will still be with me.
I may feel low and downtrodden and overwhelmed, but He is refining me in the refiners fire.
I may feel empty...but I will find all that I need at His feet.
So, no. I need not be afraid.
I need not grow weary.
Because those who trust in Him will mount up on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not grow faint.
There is none like my Lord and He will walk with me through fire.
Oh Jesus. Be with me.
Remind me of your goodness.
Remind me that you are bigger...you ARE bigger.
You are bigger than my circumstances. Keep my heart reminded of who you are and keep my feet firmly planted in the solid rock that ever stands.
This morning as my fingernails dug, as my heart was heavy, as my mind raced, as I became downtrodden looking at my circumstance which seemed to be towering above me my heart began to sing.
Fear not, I am with you
Be not dismayed
For I am thy God and will still give you aid
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
Behold, my Lord.
Behold, my God.
He is here.
